A toothsome tale? I think not!

I'm not a tooth person. They creep me out.

I get the willies even wriggling one of my kids' loose teeth. I got the willies losing my own teeth way back when.

Clara and Sophie both had teeth pulled today. Clara, because the enamel on her back upper molars had a genetic defect that made her teeth nerves very sensitive, and the teeth susceptible to decay. The hope is that her wisdom teeth will now move forward into the empty spots.
Sophie had two baby teeth whose roots did not dissolve.

Joe took them in since I was at work. But they generously offered to describe their experiences for me when we all got home. BIG SHUDDERING UGH.

Sophie's were a little worse than Clara's, which seems strange to me, since Clara's were permanent. Both of Clara's were done before Sophie's first one was out.

First, the redhead pain-med-not-working thing kicked in. They couldn't get Sophie's mouth and face to numb. They had to keep trying more and different and stronger things.

Then one of the roots broke off and they had to dig it out. If it was permanent, they could have used the drill. But since it was a baby tooth, permanent teeth were above it.  So they had to dig it out bit by bit.

Then on the second tooth, they ripped a big piece of nerve out with it. She said they held it up and the bundle of nerve fibers was flopping off the end of the root.

Ok, so by this time in the story, I was totally grossed out. A, "plugging my ears and going lalalala," kind of grossed out. Willies all up and down my back. And a little bit of bilious feeling in my throat.

Later in the day, the girls were comparing how deep the holes in their gums felt and looked.

And then I made the mistake of reading about dry sockets.  There are some things it's just better not to know.

A few thoughts on "The Government Dole" aka the Affordable Care Act aka Obamacare

At risk of irritating anyone by posting a somewhat political post, .... in case anyone is curious about who's paying for national healthcare and in what amounts... I'm going to give a little object lesson. And the follow it with a short logic lesson.

Since July, we've seen doctors for the following: regular way past due check-ups for Joe and I, a sleep study for Joe and CPAP, an x-ray of my hip, and a handful of chiropractor appointments.

Our providers footed our bills to the tune of $2919.

The government pitched in $1085 of taxpayer dollars.

So, ... not only are the tax payers now paying for our medical bills, the providers are having to write off almost 2/3 of the cost of our medical care.

Take this one thought further. For every dollar written off, of real cost of providing health care, the providers have to compensate for that loss by that much by raising their prices still higher.

And stick with me please, just one more thought further. The higher the cost of the medical bills, the higher the cost of insurance. The higher the cost of insurance, the more people will choose the "free" option. The more people who choose the "free" option, the fewer "paying customers" there are. The fewer "paying customers" there, are the higher the prices have to go. And the circle continues.

Not only that. Stay with me. As the cost of care rises, the amount the government has to come up with rises, too. The more money the government has to come up with, ... guess what, folks, they have to raise taxes. Or the government could lower the percentage they have to contribute, forcing the providers to come up with an ever growing proportion of the bill.

Which then feeds the "provider having to raise prices" loop even faster.

I've nothing against helping those in need.

And my irritation with being on "the government dole" is not a matter of pride or discontent or ungratefulness.

I just can't stretch my sense of reality far enough to figure out how this is supposed to be sustainable.  And I don't like that our family is yet another stress on the already strained system.  

Food and Nutrition, 2016 style

Ok,  yes, ... this makes me laugh.   Laugh at myself.  Because it's so, ... ludicrous.  Not ludicrous in general, for everyone.  But ludicrous for me.  Considering my whole homemade foods/slow foods/kind-of-sort-of-natural foods preferences.

I work at a place called Kay's Naturals.  They produce and market processed snack foods.  High protein, low glycemic, gluten free snack foods.  But still grab and go processed snack foods.  This kind of food is not generally in my scheme of cooking and providing food for my family.  And it's definitely not in my budget for providing food for my family. And I find word "natural" kind of ironic.

But I do realize that there is a market for such foods.  And if people want them, if they provide a marketable consumer good, hey, go for it.  And do it well.  Which I think Kay's does.

In that spirit, I tell people about our products.  I take samples home to share with those who might be interested.  (It's part of the marketing at Kay's to allow their employees to do this.  I'm not stealing.  Just saying.)  And I sample them myself, so I can make suggestions to those who ask.  I've been working there about six weeks and I've not yet sample all 19 of their products, so it's not like I'm pigging out on them or anything.

Besides making high protein, low glycemic snack foods, Kay's also makes and markets 3- and 7- day meal plans.  These meal plans include individual sized servings of Kay's snacks throughout the day plus suggested foods to complete the meal while keeping the lowcarb, high protein aspect.  I think they are also low fat.  My understanding is that since most people eat much junk food and high-carb, highly processed foods anyway, this plan gives a framework someone could use as a foundation to start to eat healthier, and maybe lose some weight.  These meal plans can also be a useful tool for those with blood sugar issues, since they have a low glycemic index, and snacks are included throughout the day.

A few people at work had been talking about (procrastinating over) doing a 7-day plan.  I decided to do it, too, and we decided that this is the week.  If it goes well, the sales staff can use our experience with it in their promotions.

This is Day 2.  I'm eating my Cinnamon Almond Cookie Bites as I type.

Getting back to my original sentence about this whole business making me kind of laugh to myself, here's the deal.

While on the seven day meal plan, we can eat as much fresh vegetables as we choose.  There are a variety of acceptable fruits that can be eaten at certain times of day.  The rest of the plan is as follows.

For breakfast each day we have a Kay's cereal and some lowfat yogurt.

1) Yes, I'm in a breakfast cereal rut.  And yes, an argument could be made that the high protein cereals from Kay's are better than the pencil shaving stuff we have been eating until theMom gets her act together (store brand Cheerios, Rice Krispies, Corn Flakes, Corn Chex, and an occasional bag of Golden Puffs).  Ideally, when I'm in the groove, I prepare a hot cereal, eggs, potatoes and meat, or a homemade low sugar baked good.  I would not consider cold cereal for a "jump start your healthy eating" plan.

2) Nonfat vs regular yogurt?  I'd much prefer to have those 8 grams of good dairy fat than the pectin to hold the yogurt together.  And their suggestion of low sugar?  When I'm in the groove I make my own plain old white unflavored yogurt.  But these days I've been splurging and buying the quarts of plain yogurt.  I am so used to it, forget that some people use the word yogurt to mean something flavored and sweetened.   When the kids have friends over and I serve yogurt, they sometimes wonder what it is.

Midmorning snack.  A Kay's individually packaged processed snack.  I rarely eat a midmorning snack.  So here I am on a "diet" (oh, I mean meal-plan), and I'm eating a midmorning snack.

The noon meals consist of some sort of processed convenience food plus the Kay's product, a high protein chip or puff or snack of some sort.  The suggested pre-packaged entrees are a variety of Progresso soups, a Weight Watchers or Amy's frozen selection.

I confess, I did buy a handful of store bought soups during the the first month or two after our recent move.  But besides that, I can't tell you when the last time was I bought canned soup.  And frozen entrees?  I do buy an occasional pack of frozen burritos when I know Joe's going to be gone.  Frozen pizzas during the first months following our move.  And for my first week of work.  Before our gluten-free days (when I only had five or six kids to cook for) I'd allow myself the indulgence or luxury of one meal of fish sticks, one meal of corn dogs, one meal of frozen ravioli, and one meal of frozen pizza each month.  That was our big "naughty" eating.

And here I have a healthy eating meal plan that wants me to use these foods.  I looked at the frozen foods section at Wal-mart, but I just couldn't get myself to spend our family's money on any of the suggested items.  I'll fill in with other high protein, low carb home cooked items.  But I can't promise they'll be lowfat.

Mid-afternoon snack.  A Kay's individually packaged Cookie Bites.  Oh I'm loving this diet!  Cookies every afternoon!

And for supper I'm supposed to eat a big salad with lemon juice for dressing, topped with the Kay's recommended chip for the meal.  I confess I'm still using my olive oil.  Another healthy fat. (There's a note in the pamphlet that warns, "1 tbs of olive oil is 120 calories."  Oops.)  I almost always use plain olive oil for salad dressing.  I'm so used to it I think nothing of it.  When my big kids come back home or especially when they bring friends, they have to dig around to see if there's any dressing around.  Sometimes we do have it, if some church member has given us some or if there is some left from a church function that they want to get out of the church fridge.  I'm going to make a mental note to make some more exciting homemade dressing when they come next.

100 calorie treat in the form of a healthy snack.

Oh yes, I almost forgot, we're encouraged to drink as much calorie free beverage as we want: diet soda, sparkling water, or bottled water.  I'd love to be able to justify drinking a few cans of sparkling water now and then.  Again, another one of those things that makes me think, "Wow, I get to have a LaCroix?"  But for the budget, I think I'll stick to plain old tap water with a few cups of plain black coffee thrown in.  I hope that's OK.

So that's the meal plan.  I don't doubt I'll lose weight.  But not because of eating healthier.  Rather it will be because I'm paying attention to portion size and carbs.

If I have time, I'll do a little write-up for each day, what I've done and what I've changed.  And I'll be sure to report any weight lost during the week.

And a final note because I've become so insecure these days about how I write things, I mean no disrespect toward those who eat and cook differently than I do.  I realize I have notions regarding food and health that might be strange or extreme to many.  I realize that cooking and budgeting for all of us mandates us to live more simply and to limit our discretionary food and beverage purchases.  And I also realize that even with my high standards for what and how I cook, I certainly do not do it perfectly.  I just lately feel like I'm kind of sort of getting back my brain and organization enough to cook well after all the chaos of our last year.

Day 2 of the 30 day challenge

I chose this Chris Powell Level 1 Beginners Workout today.



This video first caught my eye because the participants appear to all be at least a bit overweight as am I. 

"If they can do it, so can I."   Being as out of shape as I currently am, I have had trouble doing even the beginning exercises on some videos.   I was optimistic.  

But as the video started, Mr. Powell went through the lineup of participants, and all but one had lost significantly large amounts of weight over the past year.  The only one who had not lost a substantial amount of weight was a friend of his who was just visiting.  

"Oh no!" thought I, "Even if they're overweight, they are probably more fit than am I." 

I wondered if I'd be able to keep up after all. 

And I'm happy to say that, yes, I was able.

What I really liked about this video is that it really, truly is for beginners. For those with significant motion loss due to obesity or age or other factors. 

One of the movements is simply getting down to the ground on all fours and getting back up, and repeating that.  He constantly reminded the viewers about the weight lost that the other participants had managed, and that at first they too had trouble with such basic movements.  

I think this would be a great starting point for someone with severely limited motion, strength, and cardio ability.  

Day one of my new 30 day challenge

I'm starting a 30 day challenge with my friends.  Each day, for 30 days, I have to do some sort of exercise.  Something I can claim as fitness related.  Today I did  this exercise video.  It's a perfect way to start, since I'm so stiff and immobile  these days.

Love is Like a Butterfly, or Familial Puking Causes Brain Cloud in Minnesota Woman

Last night, shortly after midnight, I was roused by some sort of commotion. 

No, let me back up.  Remember how I've been working on changing around all the rooms in my house.  Yeah.  Well.  Let's just say, I've run into a few delays. 

Delays which cause kids to sleep in strange locations for extended periods of time.

Stella, for instance has been sleeping on a mattress on the floor of the room formerly known as our family room and currently serving as kind of the walkway on the way to the room formerly known as Louisa's and hopefully soon to be completely ready to be called Louisa and Elsie's.  Got that all straight?

Inge and Donna have been similarly displaced.  They had been on a mattress in the room formerly known as Elsie's and currently a sort of No Man's Land.   So now they've been sleeping on piled up blankets in the middle of our living room.

Except for when Inge decides to make a tent out of the gate leg table that sits folded up in the corner of the room.  On those nights, she moves all her heaps of blankets and pillows and stuffed animals into the tent.

And sleeps there.

And sometimes she vomits aggressively all over all of it in the middle of the night.

Like last night, for instance.

And in one of those minutes when I, ... well, ... I must confess to being just a little bit happy to be a deep sleeper, I slept through most of the yucky stuff and Joe took care of it all.  I stumbled sleepily into the bathroom just in time to find Joe rinsing the residual flotsam and jetsam from Inge's hair.

I helped get her dressed in clean jammies and made up a sleeping pallet for her on the bathroom floor.  Placed a bucket beside her.  Comforted her as best I could.

And stumbled back to bed. 

For twenty minutes or so until the next episode.

And this pattern continued like clockwork throughout the duration of the night.  Since Joe had so willingly dealt with the initial fallout of tossed cookies within blanket tent and amidst piles of pillows and stuffed animals, I tried to be very willing and eager to handle the repeated ups and downs of the night.

But finally about five, after being up perhaps eight times in the preceding three hours, I asked Joe to take two of the interludes.  After about an hour of only moderately interrupted rest which felt heavenly at the time, I was able to volunteer for the final call to duty at about 4:30.. 

When I woke the other kids up for school at 6:30, they all felt sick.  Sophie with the chronic headache from which she often suffers, John with a residual and less intense stomach issue, and Stella and Donna with all out belly aches.  I called the school and told them not to stop for an Abrahamson bus pick-up this morning.

Joe had an appointment in town to get up for.  He took Sophie along to see the chiropractor and give him a crack at her headache.  (Har, har, chiropractor humor....) 

I was so out of it by that time that I returned to bed and really and truly crashed.  Inge seemed to be past the worst of her ailment.  So I made sure everyone had buckets and I fell into bed.  And slept.  Hard.  And long.

When I woke up at ten, I found that the other girls had been sick, too.  Repetitively.  And dear little John had taken care of all their buckets and comforted them sweetly during their numerous multi-colored yawnings. 

My Mama-Heart was so deeply touched by that.   Not the multi-colored yawnings, but John's patient care for his sisters.  What a little sweetie!

And what a Bad Mama!

I know that's not really true, but it's how I felt at the time. 

And I've felt crummy all day.  I woke up with a splitting headache that didn't even subside with the one-two punch of a tylenol/ibuprophen combo.

Suffice it to say it was one of those days to simply get through.  I did have a nice visit with my Mom on the phone, though.  So that helped pass a nice chunk of time. 

I did much crochet and TV watching.

I worked on cleaning the living room carpet and I scrubbed the splatter pattern from the underside of the gate leg table and all of said legs' nooks and crannies. 

Although we don't keep much bread on hand, being a mostly gluten free home, I did find a loaf in the freezer and dug out the toaster.  I set out butter and honey and made toast throughout the morning and early afternoon as the kids were ready for it.

When Joe and Sophie came home in the afternoon, they brought ramen noodles.  A life saver.

Joe also brought home ingredients for a Thai soup that he made us later for supper.

For his birthday dinner.  Which I forgot.  Totally forgot.  Totally, totally forgot.  At least while he was here.

The soup was wonderful, but boy, Mary, brain cloud much?

I remembered off and on throughout the day that it was my dear Joe's birthday.  I even mentioned it on the phone to Mom.  Elsie called while he was gone to wish him a happy birthday.  But can you believe I never remembered to tell him when he was here?  He was only home a few minutes in the afternoon before heading down to his office.  And then after we got the kids to bed he headed back to church to work again.  So he wasn't really home very long at any one time.  But certainly long enough I ought to have remembered.

Elsie called again in the evening and they talked for quite awhile.  But by the time he was off the phone, I had once more forgotten about his birthday.

Not until just before I went to bed, after Joe was already sleeping soundly, when I checked my facebook and saw his post about the soup he made for his birthday dinner, did I realize what a dunce I had been.  I feel so stupid. 

And selfish.  As if my sick-kid-day and headache excuses me from showing proper love and attention to my husband on his birthday.

Oh, Joe, I love you.  I love you dearly.  Throughout thick and thicker. 

And sickness and health.  

And splatter patterns.  And fifteen minutes sleep-puke intervals.

I can't believe I forgot to wish you happy birthday.  I forgot to bake your cake.  I forgot to give you the gift I've had hidden inconveniently among my pajamas for the last six months and couldn't wait for your birthday so I could get it our of my way.  I forgot it all. 

I'm so sorry.

So, here's to you, my love.   Thanks for all the butterflies.

Endings and Beginnings: BL challenge

Today I finished my first Biggest Loser Challenge. 

Tally stands at 1150 minutes exercised and 3. 8 lbs lost. 

Not great, poundage wise, but at least I'm moving and my general attitude and energy level is improved.  I'm eating less compulsively.  My portion sizes and food choices are pretty  much back under control. 

Except that almost entire bag of Salt and Vinegar kettle chips and bottle of coke I had on the way home from taking Elsie to work yesterday.

Next week Friday starts the next challenge.  I'm going to keep the same weight chart, because I like it.  I'm even going to keep the same weight loss goal.

I'm going be making a new exercise minutes ticker.  I really don't know what I was thinking with the 1500 minute goal last time.  I thought I had done four days a week at 60 minutes a day for eight weeks.  And I suspected that was too optimistic.  But, when I do the calculations, ... 4x60x8=1920.  So I'm really  not sure where I got that 1500 figure.  Maybe I didn't do my tickers right away the first week.  I'd have to go back and read my old blog posts.  I remember I wasn't quite ready to start at the "start date" so maybe that's where the discrepancy lies.  Either way, turns out the figure was indeed optimistic.  After I figured last Thursday that I needed to exercise 60 minutes for eight days in a row, ... I kind of gave up.  I know.  That's bad of me.  But so it is.

So, this next challenge, called the Ready, Set, Summer BL Challenge starts next Friday.  It is an open group on facebook until it starts.  Take a look at it.  It's always fun to have a buddy.  Someone to compare notes, rejoice in successes, and to sigh and give ((virtual hugs)) during the bad days, or weeks. 

My OODA loop is broken

I finally have it figured out!  Just exactly what part of my psyche is flawed.  It's my OODA loop.

So yesterday I was in the room as Matt was working on some of his MCIs, ie, mandatory homework/continuing education for the Marines.  I suddenly heard something that made sense.  The normal process of getting things done, staying on top of things, that everyone does, has name and even a lesson for it when you're in the Marines. 

I wasn't sure if this was classified or if it would be disrespectful to write about it, so I did some checking and apparently it's a term that's used widely in the military and even in the civilian commercial and corporate world.  So I guess it's OK to talk about it. 

What's this big super secret discovery?

The OODA Loop

Observe, Orient, Decide, Act and then, Do it again.

We all do it all day long to accomplish our various tasks and responsibilities.  Except I don't anymore. 

My OODA loop is broken.

I can sometimes observe, orient, and decide.  Every once in awhile I can even act. 

More often, though, things get plugged up in my brain between the orient and decide steps.  Especially since this, call it what you will, depression/burnout/adrenal fatigue thing I struggle with started, I just get all muddled. 

I've always had trouble with easily feeling overwhelmed.  I used to be a perfectionist.  So in kind of a spirit of fear, I'd get everything all planned out and then never act on it, because I just knew I'd never get it right. 

But God cured me of perfectionism long ago.  He gave me my first child and then another and another and another.  Kind of a PN loop.  Pregnant, Nursing, and then Do it again thing.  He blessed us so richly with so many children, that simply the busyness of family life cured me of any residual perfectionist tendencies. 

And I survived and even at times thrived during that time. 

But somewhere along the line, the thriving kind of went by the wayside and eventually even the surviving was questionable. 

Obviously we're still here, so apparently we've survived.  But I'm very sure we've not thrived.  But that's where, as I've written many times before, the reliance upon God and His promises, the most important of which is His eternal Grace for our broken natures, comes into play most vividly.  Simply put, we don't thrive in this world without God's grace.  But His power is shown perfect because of our weaknesses.

But I digress.  OODA loop.  I get stuck.  Muddled.  Clogged. 

I can see everything that needs to be done.  But most of the time I can no longer arrange things in my head to know how to tackle anything. 

The orient and decide part of my OODA loop quit working somewhere along the line. 

I can grab a quick job and get it done.  I can do the immediate things pressing on me.  I can do the things my kids or husband ask me to do.  (At least most of the time.)  I can even put in a good day's work if I'm with a group of people, such as down at church working for something.

But for me to maintain my focus, mental acuity, and physical stamina on my own, for any length of time, ... that's what gets me at this point in my life. 

Some days are worse than others.  Some days I have to coax myself out of bed and to just put in an appearance as a Mom. 

Other days I can set a few easy goals that I may or may not accomplish. 

Sometimes I can make long term plans and goals, but they are never suitable.  There's always something else of the more immediate that pops up and changes things.  And in a properly working OODA loop, that's OK.  Because of the loop feature.  The constantly reevaluating and readjusting all the plans.  And doing it quickly enough to still decide and act.

I used to have the flexibility, the mental agility, to continue the loop.  But not any more. 

I simply react to the things that come at me with no forethought or planning. 

And it leaves my family and sometimes others in the community, in the lurch.

At least now I have a quantifiable way of describing the difficulty.  Somehow it seems comforting to know that it's just my OODA loop.  Drat.

My "y" coordinate axis is lower!

Please note the improvement on the above chart ... Yippee!

It shows a total of five pounds lost in seven weeks.  Truth be told, it doesn't seem very much.  But the direction is right and the exercise ticker is moving forward.  I'm up and moving.  My eating is less compulsive.  And my general outlook is improved.  All good things. 

Yay, Me!

Was it London Tipton on the Suite Life of Zack and Cody who used to say that? 

Well, I'm going to say it, too, today.  I lost four pounds this week.  I was really, really hesitant to step on the scale this week, after two weeks of gaining.  Plus, well, that bag of Terra Chips that I ate almost by myself yesterday at lunch, ... Oh, my I love those!  This one was the Mediterranean flavor.  But I love them all. 

Anyway, I was very, very relieved to see the scale showing a lost instead of a further gain. 

And I'm feeling a little more ambitious about my exercise, too, these days.  That little minute ticker, ... yes, I know, I've said it before, ... but I love those things.  Such a dumb little thing to get me motivated.  But I like to see my little marker move past the tally marks each day. 

Today I even ran for a few minutes.  I've been trying to set the tread mill a little faster, so I did a five minute warm-up at 3 mph, and then walked five minutes at 3.5 mph.  Then I bumped it up to 4 mph for a two minute run, and then back down to 3.5 mph for 3 minutes, then another 2 min run at 4.0.  I finished up the last 3 minutes at 3.5, for a total of 20 minutes.  Then I did some work on the Gazelle and CardioGlide, and then back to the treadmill. 

It felt good to actually work up a sweat.  I remember several years ago when I really had my heart into my workout.  I'd work my hardest and be sweating the entire time.  Now we ladies do a slower pace, and visit more, maybe.  Which is also good and necessary.  But I realized that I have to put more effort into my workouts. 

Yay, me!

On the pursuit of well-being in a sin-filled word

Believe it or not, sometimes, ... yes, even I, ... spout my opinions.  (For those of you who are not frequent readers, that's supposed to be irony.  I'm very, very well-known for spouting.  Loudly.  And when in person, it's often accompanied by wild gesticulations.)

One of the things that sometimes wears on me as a mother is the whole notion of health.  The health of the kids, the health of the mom.  Physical health, Emotional health, Spiritual health, ... I get tired of thinking about health.  

 

There are so many health concerns in the world and so many answers.  To immunize or not?  Which diet is the healthiest?  Which children have which food sensitivities?  Is it chronic fatigue, lyme's disease, depression, hormone imbalance of any number of varieties, insulin resistance, adrenal fatigue, or just what?
 

And after ten kids, and 20 years of parenting, not to mention 40 some years of life in this world, for me, it's all just got to be in God's hands. 

 

I have too much on my plate, and our budget is too constricted to do anything more than what we're doing. 

 

The way I see it, the way the Bible tells us, this is a sinful and broken world. 

 

If it's not one thing, it would be something else. 

 

Way back when, I started researching all this junk for a variety of childhood illness related reasons, (chronic ear problems, ADD type stuff, autism, Aspbergers, skin issues, ...)   And throughout the years different research for myself, ... things like depression, PMS, chronic fatigue, metabolism, etc. 

There are a whole host of ideas out there.  Many good and well researched.  And many cockamamie. Some people have skills and concentration and time and interest to research it all.  I simply do not.  I mean, it's all interesting to me.  And fascinating, too, all the different ways that are outside the mainstream, where people have found relief from one thing or another.

One friend was convinced Jeremy's ear troubles were from yeast (The Yeast Connection). There was the potato/alcohol connection thing someone recommended for dealing with mood swings  (Potatoes not Prozac). 

Treating various illnesses with homeopathy, the science of which claims that the smaller the particle of remedy, the better the result.  And for some things, when combined with about a hundred lifestyle changes, it seems to help.

There's hyper- and hypo- glycemia, glucose intolerance and other metabolic disorders.  Celiac disease, fibro-myalgia, and other auto-immune disorders.  The list goes on and on.  

And at it's core, it's all simply that we live in a sinful and broken world.  Things are WRONG with our bodies.  They are not and will not work right.

And we, as sinful people living in this sinful world, making our way as best we can.  As my friend and mentor Dort P. put it, we muddle through.

By God's grace, our mainstream and alternative medicines sometimes offer solutions that help alleviate the results of this brokenness.  And other times, we suffer along with St. Paul.  We bear the thorns in our flesh.  We must simply live with the problem.  And with St. Paul, God says to us, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Given the same situations, each of us must make our own decisions.  Is it time to do more research and try more things.  Or is it time to bear the thorn in our flesh?  Each of us is different.  Each situation, personality, financial situation, location, ...  We're all different people and will make different decisions.

Sometimes, due to new or different information, a new or different perspective in life, the same person will make different choices at different times.

It's all part of the challenge of living under God's grace, but in a broken world.

It's easy to look back with a new and different perspective, and carry regrets about choices we made in the past.  If only I had known ...  or my son or daughter's life could be so much better, ... or I wish I had tried ...,  or what have you.

And yet we know that by God's grace, according to His wisdom and timing, living under His providential care under the grace of Christ's forgiveness, we chose the best we could for that part in our life.  We muddled through. 

We simply are where we are today.  Each day.  Serving our Lord according to the talents and abilities God has given us.

Sinning as we all do.  Failing to do those things we ought and instead doing those things we ought not to do. 

But also clothed in Christ's righteous wedding garment put on us at our baptism and through faithful use of the Word and Sacrament, we serve God.   Doing the work God lays before us each day.   According to our abilities and interests and choices.

All of us.  We all have broken parts.  Emotionally, physically.  Things that simply aren't right.  We sometimes find one solution, other times another.  And we carry on.  We continue, as we're able.  We fulfill our daily vocations, as best we can. 

And we know we will sin.  We know we will fail.  But we keep putting one foot in front of the other, resting assured in God's Grace that He will most importantly, lead us to heaven in the end; and secondarily use us, broken as we are, to His Glory.

I think I've probably mentioned this passage before, but it's so profound to me, especially with regard to life choices and mistakes, I'm going to write about it again.  It offers great hope for me in those times when I have to question and re-evaluate decisions, past and present.

It's just a little passage, really.  Eleven words in the book of Hebrews. "By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau concerning things to come."  (Heb. 11:20)  Just eleven words.  So terse.  But so full of comfort in this world of sin.

The passage itself doesn't show all of the Bible's truth.  But it reflects a particular concrete example of how God sees us through faith in the righteousness of Christ.

If you  haven't read it in awhile, refer back to the account of Jacob and Esau in Genesis.  Their birth and younger years are recorded briefly in chapter 25, starting at verse 19.  The account of Isaac blessing his sons, is recorded in chapter 27.  Read on to the resolution, which doesn't come until chapter 33. 

God, in His Holy Word, has recorded for us both the good and the bad in His people.  He shows us time and time again that we simply cannot make it on our own.  Even the Biblical heroes fall, time and time again.

In the account of Isaac, Jacob and Esau, our human wisdom sees stubborn old Isaac not wanting to bless his sons according to God's will and His prophecy before the boys were born.

“Two nations are in your womb,
Two peoples shall be separated from your body;
One people shall be stronger than the other,
And the older shall serve the younger.”

We see the treachery of Rebekkah and Jacob, trying to force God's will (which happens to also be their will) to be done.  But through human deception, rather that trusting God's promise and providence.

Later we see the pain of Isaac, when he realizes what he has done.  He's crushed and heartbroken, and angry.   His wife and son have betrayed him.

Esau is filled with bitterness that turns to hatred,

So Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father blessed him, and Esau said in his heart, “The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

Jacob has to flee for his life.

Rebekkah and Isaac must still live together as husband and wife after this great betrayal.

It all seems so wrong.  And it is, indeed a story filled with the tragedy of sinful decisions.

And yet, in Hebrews 11, in the list of Biblical heroes, Isaac is listed among them. 

On account of faith.  "By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau concerning things to come."

By faith, through Christ's righteousness, God declares Esau righteous. 

A hero. 

So to with us.  We will always sin.  Our poor decisions will continue to cause pain to ourselves and others.  But we, too are declared heros.  We stand righteous before God, through Christ.

And not only that.  But also, for Christ's sake, God worked it out in the end for Isaac.  Likewise for us.  He manipulates all our human flubs, somehow, and uses them to His glory. 
 
I can't tell you how those eleven words have brought me comfort throughout the years.  "By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau concerning things to come."

Raising children can seem like such a great and consuming responsibility.  Especially in today's world.  We parents and families today are indulged.  We have the luxury of mostly not having to wonder where each meal will come from.  We mostly don't wonder how we'll cloth our children or where we'll find shelter each season. 

We have time and luxury to worry about things like diet and health, emotional and physical.  And even spiritual.  And in so worrying, we often take too much on ourselves.  We think we are the only ones who can do this.  It's all on us.

Are we making the right choices.  Are we  providing the best.  Are we giving enough.  Are we giving too much?  Are we setting a good enough example.  Are we strong enough?  How can we read the Bible enough?  How do we give our children good morals without making them self-righteous? 

It's ALL ON US!

But it's not.  Not really.  And in reality, this temporal world is all vanity anyway.  Here today and tomorrow cast into the fire. 

It's not all on us, but God.  His righteousness on us.  That wedding garment that we simply wear.

But how, we wonder, how to do that in daily life?

Focus on the ONE THING NEEDFUL.  Put as much effort and time into the temporal well-being of our families as we can each day.  To the best of our abilities.  With the wisdom and resources at our disposal.

And rest assured, every hour, every minute, in the eternal promises of God.  The knowledge that like Isaac, we will screw up.  But in the end, we'll be a heroes.  Heroes who's only act of heroism is the righteous covering given us by Christ.  That covering which allows God to see us as a heroes.

Quick and Healthful Soup for Sick Days

I've had sick kids for days.  The last two days were spend with my two youngest hanging their heads in buckets.  By the time today rolled around, they were so puny.  Just wimpy looking, flaccid skin and muscle tone.  They could hardly hold up their little cups to sip their drinks. 

Besides that, theMom was pretty much at the end of her stamina, too.  Simply no more energy to wring out of me.  I had nothing left to give.

Which left us in a situation in which I felt we needed a good healthful meal, but had no energy to produce one.  With stocked up ingredients and a little creativity, however, we ended up with a fabulous and hopefully nutritive soup.

I'm not sure I could come up with a good name for it, since the ingredients are so, well, strange.  Probably the best I could do is Elk and Onions in Beef Bone Broth, with Spaetzle and Carrots.

Easy Healthy Soup, aka Elk and Onions in Beef Bone Broth, with Spaetzle and Carrots

• Three medium onions
• Celery with leaves.  I used about an inch and a half diameter of the center of a stalk.
• A hefty splash of olive oil
• Three to four quarts of your choice of broth.  Homemade bone broth is great if you have it.  We have canned home made beef bone broth on hand.  It's more of a concentrate, really.  I used 2 pints of broth and diluted each with about 3 pints of water.
• salt to taste

Simmer to soften veggies.
Prepare your spaetzle batter while the soup simmers. (See below)

• When veggies are about halfway softened, add 1 bag of frozen carrots. (If you don't have frozen, you can add fresh with the onions and celery; or canned at the end with the meat.)
• When the veggies are almost done cooking, add your spaetzle.   Cook according to instructions below.
• When spaetzle is done cooking, remove from heat and add 2 cups of your choice of cooked meat. I used a pint of canned elk.
• Stir in your choice of herbs and spices. I used parsley, oregano, black pepper, and sage, to taste.  I don't measure, but perhaps 1 T parsley, 1 T oregano, 3/4 t black pepper, and 1/4-1/2 t sage.

GF Spaetzle

Mix together:

• 3 c GF flour mix
• 3/4 tsp xanthan gum (unless your mix already includes it)
• 3/8 tsp salt

Mix together

• 3 egg
• 1 c milk

Pour milk and egg mixture into flour mixture.  Stir together.  Set aside until soup is nearly done. 

When veggies are nearly done, add spaetzle to soup by putting through a potato ricer with largish wholes.  Stir.  Bring to simmering and reduce heat to just maintain a simmer.   Cover.   Cook for about 5 minutes.
A few things I will do differently next time:

1) I forgot to salt my broth until the very end.  So the spaetzle was a bit bland.  When we make broth, we cook up the bones into infinity, and then strain through cheesecloth.  Then we let it sit overnight and skim most of the fat off before canning.  (We do use the fat, but Joe has read fat can effect the seal in home canning, so we use or preserve it separately.)  After the fat is off, Joe pressure cans the broth.

2) I perused a few other spaetzle recipes, and I think next time I will add more eggs and cut the milk some.  These were more fluffy than chewy.  The spaetzle I've really liked in the past is chewier, more dense.

3)  I will add more broth.  We all got broth the first helping.  But after that, what remained was more like stew.

Even without these suggested improvements, the soup was terrific.  It was very fun to see the kids all taking seconds and third, and even fourths.  And the two littlest sickies both ate a small portion eagerly.

What more can a mom ask for, right?  A nutritive meal that took less than 1/2 hour to prepare.

Cheater!

Yes, I know I'm a cheater.  I had to change my ticker rather than confess that I had "outgrown" it. 

The last time we walking ladies weighed in was probably October or early November.  Yes, there was a reason we were skipping that step.  But, alas!  It's time to get back on target. 

Sadly, my previous ticker was obsolete.  Apparently one cannot record any weight above the starting weight.  And yes, that's where I needed to be.  So I had to start anew.  And since I had to make a new ticker anyway, I cheated just a little bit.  I went with my original starting weight rather than my current weight.  Because then it still looks good.

See, the good news is that I'm still less than when I started last winter.  So I went back to the beginning.  It makes things look more positive.  I have still lost four pounds.  That sounds great, right?  Actually, I've even lost a little bit more than that, because I rounded down to my initial starting weight to make a nice and even twenty pound goal.  I've really lost about five and a half pounds since last year in March when we started weighing. 

The bad news is that I had lost almost twenty pounds as of the end of last summer. 

Sooooooo, it's time to take it off again.  Step by step and pound by pound.  Saying no to one piece of candy or cookie at a time.  Saying yes to one salad at a time.  One reasonably sized portion at a time.  Saying no to seconds and thirds of those yummy carbs one meal at a time.

I'm so glad I have my friends, Lana and Connie, to share in this with me.  I love the companionship, and I very much appreciate their support. 

God is Amazing! Praying for more miracles!

This is a photo of Mickala from her Caring Bridge Site.  I believe she is with her older brothers last winter.

Early last September, the same day we were traveling to the Twin Cities the day before Louisa got on the plane to head to Italy, her classmate at her school here in Oklee, Mickala M, was admitted to the hospital in Thief River Falls, and then taken by ambulance to Fargo for a mystery illness that had brought on a severe case of ARDS.  Although since ARDS stands for Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome, by definition it is probably always severe.  Whatever the situation that brought this on, Mickala's lungs were severely damaged.  After watching her bounce between stable and unstable for a week in Fargo, the medical team there decided to have her flown to the Mayo Clinic to be hooked up to an ECMO machine.  ECMO stands for extracorporeal membrane oxygenation.  In order to allow Mickala's lungs to rest, and in the hopes they then would more readily heal themselves, this machine would oxygenate her blood outside of her body.  This is different than a heart/lung machine in that it's designed for longer term use.  Even so, even being designed for longer term use, there is a constant risk of complications, and the longer a person is on ECMO, the risk become higher that complications will arise.  And the complications will likely be of an increasingly difficult to solve nature.

Mickala has been hospitalized for 118 days.  She has been on the ECMO machine for all but about a week of that time.  By God's grace He has allowed her to do well, and He has given the medical team the wisdom and skill to solve the many bumps in Mickala's road thus far.

I believe it was in early November that Mickala was put on a transplant list for heart/lung/kidneys.  The medical team was not seeing the healing they had expected to see in her lung function.  That was hard news for everyone who has been following her story, but hardest of all, I'm sure, for those closest to her.

Since that time, however, her lungs have continued to make baby steps in their healing.  Her kidneys have resumed functioning.  Her heart appears to be fully functional.  And now, after all this time, she has been weaning off the ECMO machine, in the hopes of being off it completely by the end of this week.  This is truly a miracle.  The doctors had not been very hopeful in October that after that amount of time healing would continue.  But it has.  Here we are 2 1/2 months later, and healing has continued.  Any complications have been resolved.  God is good.

During the last two months, in preparation for the potential transplant, Mickala has been doing OT and PT to regain some strength and muscle mass and stamina.  She has continued to amaze those around her with her spirit and drive.  She was eventually able to walk a short distance on her own.  Her team would attend her with all her machines and tubes coming along behind, as she increased that distance by yards each day.  Each step was miraculous, since the doctors had never before had a patient on ECMO strong enough to walk the halls.

Earlier this week, however, she developed a large hematoma in her abdomen.

This morning her mom wrote that they are doing surgery today to remove the cannulas that attach Mickala to the machine and if they are able, to also remove some of the hematoma.  With the blood thinners Mickala needs in order to be on the ECMO machine, she has had several hematomas.  Each one is a frightening, nerve-wracking situation.  One of them damaged the nerves in her right arm, and her arm function is only just returning.  But this time, because she is so near to being ready to try breathing without the machine, they decided to go for it and see how she does.
 
But this will be very tiring for Mickala.  During the times she has been off the machine, for an hour or two or a little more at a time, she gets very exhausted.  Her mom described just lying in bed as the amount of work for Mickala as running a marathon for a healthy person.  Her lungs are not at full capacity yet.  Her blood is not oxygenating as efficiently as it needs to be. 

Mickala will remain on the ventilator.  She will be kept still for several days in the hopes that her lungs will be able to handle this minimal work on their own.

Through this whole ordeal Mickala's mom, Judy, has kept us up to date almost daily on Mickala's well-being.  Her Caring Bridge posts continue to show incredible faith in the midst of such a long and arduous path.  Judy has often expressed appreciation that God has used Mickala's illness to bring so many people closer to God.

I pray that it is God's will for Mickala's lungs to continue to improve.  I pray that He has no more difficulties in store for this family.  I pray that He continue to use Mickala and her dear family to show His Light to the world and to bring others closer to Himself. 

I pray that God give all of us increased faith in salvation through Jesus Christ His Son.

Check Mickala's Caring Bridge site for updates. 

Beautiful Rest

In the last several years, I've been a big proponent of the idea that creating beautiful things is an emotional need for people,  But it's especially a need for stay at home moms, whose many daily accomplishments are less tangible and more fleeting.  Such creative endeavors might be simple or complex.  Anything that makes the world a prettier place according to any of the senses, and brings pleasure and relaxation to the doer.  I think of things such as singing some songs or playing piano; baking cookies or bread; crocheting a scarf; quilting; redecorating a room; or even scrubbing a well soiled wall. 

But it has to bring refreshment.  It can't be something on that "to do" list.  I mean, if baking bread is something you have to accomplish, it can't count for refreshment, no matter how much you enjoy doing it. 

Lately I've been crocheting.  Mostly scarves.  I love it.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!  And I think it's good for me in some deep way that I can't quite explain.  Except to say that the sense of accomplishment at creating a thing of beauty is healthful.

But now I have a real, honest to goodness, medical reason why this is so.

My good friend, Lisa, who is also a professional family counselor, explained it to me.  I probably can't explain it all well.  But in a nutshell, it is because of how the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems work together. 

When a person does quiet refreshing hobbies, it gives the parasympathetic nervous system quiet time to do what it's supposed to do.  Active endeavors use primarily the sympathetic nervous system, which somehow overshadows the parasympathetic.  The parasympathetic needs down time.  So when a person is always busy and active, the parasympathetic doesn't have a chance to perform those things it needs to do, in order to keep a person in optimal mental health. 

Isn't that interesting? 

Lisa, if you wish, please leave a comment giving any additional info that explains better for my readers what you explained to me last night.  Thanks.

Thoughts on Depression: Part I

I have so many partial blog post ideas on this topic rattling around in my brain.  There's the ones about the myriad reasons I hesitated to take medication for depression; spiritual implications during depression; theories about how and why I slid my erstwhile slide into the abyss; my fears and trepidation for the future; and how I think things are going right now.  But it's hard to want to be always talking about myself.  I mean, am I really that interesting? 

And yet, as a stay at home mother of many, with a set of strong Confessional Lutheran principles, former homeschool mom, etc, I realize that there are others out there who go through similar things.  I know it's helpful to find resources that, if nothing else, comfort by showing that there are others who struggle in the same way.  I suspect that many of my blog readers probably fall loosely into the above description.  I have heard from many of you who have thanked me for my candor.  And it's with the goal of offering some kind of peace or comfort to others in need that I bring up this topic so often during this strange and powerful journey.

Today I'm going to try to focus long enough to write a little summary of where I've been and where I am now.

Focus and Fragility

Does that sound like a strange pairing?  It does to me.  In my practical brainy side.  But my heart knows that ways of the heart and mind in this sinful world are rarely easily categorized.  Our broken nature does not follow set rules.

Yes, I am going to use words like broken and sinful in these writings.  Because this is a sinful and broken world.  When talking of depression, there is overt sin, actions against God's laws.  When we are wallowing in the darkness of depression, we fail to love as we should, we neglect our responsibilities, and while not exactly self-absorbed, we are certainly not focused on the needs of others. 

But also, simply, this world is broken.  Things in this world don't work right.  Our bodies, our minds, nature, physics, biology.  All these things, all of nature, groan with the brokenness of sin.  (See Romans 8.)  Sin effects everything whether the overt and quantifiable sins of omission and commission; or whether simply the way the sinful brokenness of this life effects our hearts, minds, and bodies. 

Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ His Son, that we are healed from all these different aspects of sin.  When God looks at us, He sees Jesus' righteousness, not all the muck through which we're wallowing.  Even in the darkest hours we know, deep down inside, that this world is not the end.  We are God's children and our name is written in heaven through faith in Jesus' righteousness.  We know that even in the depths of despair and emptiness, our Heavenly Father will never leave us.  No matter how alone and forsaken our sinful nature feels, we can depend upon the promises of God.  And finally, we know that in spite of our weaknesses and failings, God will make everything turn out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  We can't "wreck" our family so badly that God can't fix it.  I don't mean we ought to be cavalier and stop trying, of course.  I just find it a great comfort to know that He can compensate for all the ways we fail our families.

When I started healing from depression, the first thing I noticed was a feeling of once again being alive.  That, for me, was the first healing.  And it was a biggy.  Huge!  It was a glorious sensation of feeling once again.  Living.  Breathing.  Being.  All those things that had gotten lost somewhere.  In little snippets, little moments, I could feel again.  "I am alive!"  I had forgotten what it was like.

Gradually I also got my energy back.  I could keep moving, at least a little bit.  For short times, I could stay motivated on household tasks.  This energy was slower to come.  I almost despaired at times.  But when I considered that first part of healing, the feeling, I was able to hang onto hope that progress was being made, even if it was not obvious in any energy for household responsibilities.  And it did eventually come.  It's not 100%, even yet now.  But it is so much better than it had been. 

I can remember how I felt when this aspect of my recovery first started to become apparent.  I did several loads of wash a day, folded and put away, up and down the stairs several times a day.  It was astounding to me.  Really!  I was amazed at how easy those trips up and down the stairs felt.  Sometimes it was almost a sensation of flying.  I could remember how hard it had been, just a short time before, to make my feet take a trip up and down the stairs.  I'd maybe manage it only once or twice a week!  It had been nearly impossible many times.  And finally, now, here I was seeming to fly up and down all day long.  It was so freeing to not have to force myself to move.

Another aspect of healing that I noticed was in ability to focus.  This probably was the longest to come, and is the most tenuous.  I have always had trouble focusing, staying on task, keeping my mind to one thing at a time.  And in a family this size and household this busy, there are always plenty of things to distract me.  But even in this aspect, I notice gradual change.  I can read a book again.  For many months I could not.  I can plan and follow a schedule many days.  Progress is being made.  And I'm confident it will continue to improve.  I don't expect perfection.  I know my limits in this regard.  But I am hopeful I will eventually get back to what is normal for me.

But the fragile part.  This is an aspect that is still coming.  This is a strange thing that I will try to quantify for you.  Although I notice all these aspects of healing, these great and amazing improvements, they are all still tenuous.  Illusive.  My emotional strength does not have the staying power it ought to have.  Any little bit of overly busy-ness, or things that are emotionally more taxing.  Anything like this will set me back in all the other aspects of healing.  Not all the way back, mind you.  But I find I have to baby myself for a few days after any bigger emotional or physical draws. 

Or maybe I should say withdrawals.  It's as though I have a bank account of wellness.  And in times past, I could withdraw from that reserve, in terms of physical, mental, or emotional exertion.  In times past, the reserves could easily be built back up by my natural faculties.  But that building up of the reserves is not as quick for me now.  It takes a couple of days where maybe it used to only take an hour.  Where it used to take a couple of days, it's now a week or more.

It's good for me to know that.  To be aware of my limits.  I can tailor my days to cater to those withdrawals.  I can schedule things so that I allow easier days after the more taxing times. 

But this weakness is very frustrating.  I don't want to be fragile.  I don't want to have to be so focused on my own ease and health. 

That fragility worries me a little bit, too.  Especially with the shorter winter days coming.  My doctor explained that a normal course of medication for this type of depression is a six month stint.  But he also said he never recommends going off antidepressants in the fall or winter.  Since I started in the spring, I would, therefore, be using the medication for a whole year.  At the time, this bothered me.  But now that I've seen and felt real healing, I understand better.  And as of this writing, I would certainly not consider changing anything right now. 

I had felt well enough a month ago that I started wondering about going off my meds.  But I have had several very taxing weeks.  Many, many withdrawals, in the physical exertions of some very busy days, the mental exertions of keeping track of many things, and several big emotional draws. 

I feel totally depleted today.  I still feel alive, mind you.  I'm not nearly back to where I was when I started my course of medication.  Not back that far, nor that depleted.  But I do feel as though I am back to the stage at which I am just barely hanging on to any energy.  And no focus whatsoever.  None.  My brain is a big confused fog. 

I know in a few days I will be rejuvenated once again.  I'm going to baby myself for a couple of days.  But I get tired of this babying. 

I pray that by the time spring comes again, I can be independent of the medication.  I pray that my healing is complete, in the sense that my stamina is back to normal for me.  I've never been a high energy person in the sense of being able to go, go, go.  I've always had to limit my activities to accommodate my personality.  But those limits did not feel debilitating, as they do now.  I still felt competent to handle the responsibilities God had given me. 

At this time, I thank God for my very patient husband, who must be so entirely sick of this whole thing.  I love you, Joe.  I am sorry this happened.  I am sorry you have to pick up so much of the slack.  I thank you for loving me in spite of this dreary path over which I am currently traveling.

I thank God for the healing I have experienced.  I thank Him for the righteousness that I have, in spite of my sin and brokenness.  I praise Him for His eternal presence and providential care.

And I pray for rejuvenation after this recent taxing time, and for continued healing throughout the dark winter.

Mary's Modified Grapefruit Meal Plan, and Other Metabolic Musings

I am starting the dieting...STOP...and hold everything right there.  I know you've heard me say this before, or at least read it here...that I hate the word diet.  People get all emotionally distraught about their weight and try all these quick fix diets and they screw up their metabolisms and develop eating disorders.  All in the pursuit of thinness.

Let me say right now that I am not that kind of dieter, nor am I in favor of pursuing a certain weight or body shape.  But many of us Americans, myself included, can improve overall health with a healthier diet.

So what is a person to do and where is a person to go to discover that "healthier diet."  Right now the big thing is avoiding carbs and more specifically, avoiding wheat, and even more specifically avoiding gluten containing grains.  Many reasons are given for this.  They are as varied as the people who avoid such things.  

But throughout the years of my life, I've seen many, many switches and swings on what is considered healthful and what is considered unhealthful.  I try to prepare most of my things from scratch, rather than processed foods or ingredients.  I avoid lowfat alternatives, which are often less natural, and therefore less easily metabolized, than the natural fat versions of things.  I intentionally leave much of the fat on my meats.  I don't keep sweets around the house, or do much baking, unless it's something that can be used as part of a main meal.  For instance, I will make coffee cakes, or breakfast bread, as long as the sugar content is low enough so that it's not like we are eating dessert for breakfast. 

I do break my own rules when I need to.

I try in a probably very limited way to follow the traditional foods precepts espoused by Sally Fallon in her book, Nourishing Traditions.  I buy raw milk when we can.  We use cultured milk products like kefir, yogurt, and when I have enough milk homemade curdled milk and whey.  Since I don't bake much, and I use strange grains already, I haven't mastered the soaked grains part of baking.  But I do soak our cereal grains overnight.  And we dabble in countertop pickling methods, especially for saurkraut and kimchi, but other fresh vegetables, too, when we have them on hand.

But besides that, I don't do anything special to watch my weight.  I've never had to.  I've never been thin, but nor have I ever had any great concern about my weight.  I hold to the idea that if I'm eating reasonable portions of healthful foods, and maintaining a moderately active lifestyle, my body will find its own best weight and stick there.  Which, for the most part it has.  Until recently.   My body is all out of whack in the last several years. 

My youngest child is over three years old, and I weigh exactly what I did when I came home from the hospital.  Really.  Of course I've changed shape a little bit.  I've not changed sizes.  In fact, not counting my pregnancy hiatuses, I've worn roughly the same sized clothes since before I started having kids.  I've fluctuated between the same size and a half, or two sizes.  During probably the first ten years of my childbearing years, mostly staying on the smaller of the two, and during the last ten, closer to the larger of the two.  So, really, considering I've borne ten children, I don't think that's too terrible.  It's probably within the normal fluctuations of most women.  But...here's the big but...(or should I say, big butt?)...I've gained, I'm sad to way, 40 lbs in those same twenty years.  I don't know how it works that I can wear the same clothes with all that extra weight hanging around.  Really I cannot begin to imagine. It's one of my life's little mysteries that I find simply astounding.

But so it is.  And it's got to change.  Is it inconsistent to say, as I did earlier on, that as long as I'm eating healthfully and moderately, I ought not to care about my weight, and then suddenly, simply becasue it's going up, get freaked out over it?  Maybe a little bit.  But here's the thing...when woman reaches a certain age, many women gain body fat.  And I fear I"m reaching that age.   So perhaps I've not yet changed sizes, but if I don't try to adjust my portion sizes to compensate for a slower metabolism, my weight will cross the line to unhealthy.  I think perhaps I'm at the age where the definition of moderate eating needs to be redefined downward.

And I'm going to add just a little aside here.  As I said earlier, I've always been kind of big, I mean, not thin, or put another way, I have never been a lithe person.  So I had incorrectly assumed I had a slowish metabolism.  But I've come to see it in a different light in the last ten years or so.  And here's why.  I eat like a horse.  Really.  I have always had a huge appetite.  I can remember my mom telling me on numerous occasions when I was young, that if I kept it up I would be as big as a barn.  But I'm not.  Thankfully.  I know women who, when we get into a conversation regarding eating habits, describe much smaller food intake than min is, and have to constantly watch their weights.  But I never have had to.  So really, I think I must have a very fast metabolism, or I would, as Mom said, be as big as a barn.

But now things are slowing down.  I can no longer eat like a horse and maintain my regular not especially thin, but not too heavy, kind of right in the middle size.  It's catching up on me.  And I do think it's still within the idea of reasonable to accustom myself to smaller portions.

So getting back to the first sentence of this post...remember, the one in which I hollered out...STOP...I'm getting back to that point now. 

The other day I described a particular set of weight and household project goals, I called Mary's 28 Day Challenge, that I hope will help me get my life in order. And really, household and weight goals are related.  Did I write that the other day?  (Nope, I just checked back.)  When I am less active, it stands to reason that I will gain weight.  The more I weigh, the harder it is to be active, so I sit more.  Then while sitting more, I begin to feel bad about myself for sitting, and I get a tad bit bored, so I succumb to the munchies.  And that leads,...well...you see where this is going...and going, and going.

So stage one on the meal plan, since we're not going to use the word "diet" is four days of Mary's Modified Grapefruit Diet...oops, there it is again.  I meant to say, Mary's Modified Grapefruit Meal plan.  See, since I'm modifying the plan, I can modify the name, too, right?  I wrote about this last year when I did the same Meal plan.  Basically, it's the grapefruit diet with a few servings of carbs added in, and for a much shorter time then the original.  But this year I've not added many carbs.  I've not felt the need. 

Monday, Day 1, was pretty much normal.  Nothing interesting to report.

Yesterday, Joe made most of the supper.  He baked fish and I steamed some rice.  Joe also made up a very thick chowder featuring shrimp and bacon and scrambled eggs, with a few potatoes and assorted vegetables.  He thickened it with cornstarch, with the idea that those who wanted to could put rice in their bowls or plates and pour the chowder over.  I avoided the rice, and just ate soup and fish.  I did get a few little chunks of potatoes in my soup, and the potato starch in probably a very small amount.  Then I filled up on fish.

This morning, instead of the prescribed two pieces of bacon, I had sausage, since that's what I was making the kids.  I baked the sausage in the oven, patted evenly into a cake pan.  I had some gluten free bread in the freezer, so I let it sit out long enough to slice, then toasted it.  When the sausage was done, I cut it into bread sized chunks.  Joe put a little slather of mayo on each toast slice, and I added the sausage and either a fried egg or a portion of scrambled egg, according to each person's preference.  We also sprinkled a little grated cheese on the sausage before adding the egg.  The cheese felt a little bit indulgent, since the only cheese I happened to have was Fontina.  It seems silly to use it for an everyday breakfast.  It feels like a fancy cheese should be saved for something special.  We also always keep a chunk of Parmesan and another of Asiago on hand for grating, so we put a little of those in the mix, too.  I suppose the Italian cheeses ended up working especially well, since in my bleary-eyed first-thing-in-the-morning fog, I had grabbed the Italian sausage rather than the breakfast sausage from the fridge.

Besides describing the somewhat complicated breakfast I served the kids this morning, there was a point to the description.  I felt as though I needed to explain my excuse for using sausage instead of bacon.  With all the busyness of such a breakfast happening, I didn't feel as though I could handle a totally separate breakfast for myself.  So I planned to just have sausage and eggs.  Somehow, though, I had miscounted, or forgotten not to count myself, or something, when I sliced the bread.  After we had all the bread toasted and the other items layered on, there was one extra.  So I ended up having a thin slice of bread along with my sausage and eggs.  That will be my carbs for the first part of the day.  As part of my modifications to the Grapefruit Diet, I allow myself a little bit of carbs either at morning or noon, and then again at supper, if I feel the need. 

Lunch today will be a salad with vinegar and oil dressing and meat of some sort.  I had a little bit of cheese left from this morning's meal, so I will probably put that on my salad.

All in all, being on day three of the four for the grapefruit meal plan, it's going well.  I feel satisfied after my meals, with maybe just a little hint of emptiness throughout the day.  That's good.  I think it's good to feel a little bit of emptiness.  Then I will more readily appreciate the controlled portions when I shift to stage two of my 28 day challenge.  And if I feel a little bit empty, it gives me that little sense of accomplishment.  I can feel as though I'm getting somewhere.

Here I Come, Again

I'm starting a new plan.  The spring into action plan.  The back in the saddle plan.  I need a boost.  I need something. 

I listen to the commercials on the radio for all the various weight loss plans.  I see various facebook friends post about Advo-Care's 24 day Challenge.  "Might that work for me?" I ask myself.

But I am not the kind of person to spend money on something that I fear would turn out to be a gimmick.  I also instinctively don't think such "programs" are healthful.  And I tend to be of a somewhat anti-diet mentality. 

But something has to change.  I have reached that age at which, as many of my older friends have warned, my weight seems to creep upward no matter how much I exercise or how I try to adjust downward my portion sizes.  It's very frustrating to me.

I also have been struggling all winter with a kind of, somewhat, borderline depression.  I hesitate to write about this, or to use the "D" word.  Such things are all relative.  Different personalities can put up with differing amounts of such lethargy and lack of an kind of motivation or responsible behavior.

I have at various time in my adult life struggled with the blues, or a funk, or whatever.  The worst time, strangely, was the first six months or so after I got married.  Here I was, at what I had thought would be one of the happiest times of my life.  And I was totally out of it.  Wacked out.  Out of my groove.  I went for days without leaving our apartment.  I called in sick to work.  It was difficult for me to find motivation to even shower or brush out my hair (which hair at the time was very long; the large rat's nest was quite frightening some days).  I am sure Joe wondered what he had gotten himself into.  But he never complained.  At least I don't remember him complaining.  Probably he complained inwardly.  I know I would have if the roles had been reversed.

Eventually, I snapped out of it.  Spring came.  I got a new haircut.  I talked to my supervisors at work.  I got myself back on track.  And I began to learn that I don't do transition well. 

Later I struggled quite a bit during and following my eighth pregnancy.  I suffered from extreme fatigue during the pregnancy, and it stuck with me until I was pregnant again.  I felt like I was in a pit, just barely clinging to the edge.  It was altogether strange.  With everything I had going on at the time, I simply attributed the situation to our busy life.  I was homeschooling five kids and had three pre-schoolers.  I was busy with my pastor wife stuff and Sunday School obligations, and whatever else happened along.   My brother-in-law had also died suddenly only two years before, so my husband and his parents were immersed in their own grief, and the busyness of settling his estate.  Although not immediately effected in the same way they were, I was doing what I could to help them get through that time.  Who wouldn't be tired?

But suddenly, after I became pregnant with my ninth child, I felt better.  Just when I thought I would start to feel worse, and was wondering how I and my family could survive when I did, I suddenly felt great.  Even the nurse at the clinic noticed and commented.  She said I had been lacking my usual sparkle for quite some time and that it was good to see it back.  Hmmm.

And again this year I've struggled.  I don't know what the catalyst was. I could think of any number of things, most of which you have read about, if you are a regular reader.  Probably it is just regular life, a few big sadnesses, and age related hormone changes. 

It doesn't really matter, though, what brought it on.  What matters is getting over it.  Getting on with my life.  Finding a way to put one foot in front of the other.  Figuring out something that will give me enough of a boost to get the momentum going.  I am in great need of momentum.  My inertia is very much inclined toward accomplishing nothing, and I need to change that.

I am not sad.  I am, however, somewhat emotional.  I feel lonely, and somewhat obsessive about communicating with friends, virtual or otherwise.  (And your guess is as good as mine how I can feel lonely in a household this busy.)  I lack energy in an extreme way.  I have a hard time seeing any reason to get up and do all the little things I ought to be doing.  I can't concentrate.  When I do start jobs, I don't finish them.  I am tired of the mess.  My kids are tired of it, too.  The younger ones don't notice.  They are still flexible.  But the older ones want their "real mom" back.

It's time to take the bull by the horns and get 'er done.

But how?

Introducing theMom's 28-day challenge:

For 28 days, I am going to control my eating habits.  I have scheduled a couple of times of more formal "dieting" and specific portion sizes for the rest of the time.  I have a certain number of treats or rewards planned and allowed.  Except for the two episodes of brief dieting, these goals are modest.  Reasonable.

I'm also setting a goal of keeping up with a certain short list of basic daily chores such as getting the little ones dressed and teeth brushed; doing dishes, etc.  These are really just the basics, but exactly the things I haven't been able to see the need or find the desire to keep up with.  Sad isn't it?

And I am also going to set weekly goals, one big goal or a grouping of smaller goals, for each week.   Hopefully this will allow me to a few of my bigger things done.

Again, my aim was to set achievable goals.  Baby steps.  It is easy to be too strict, or plan too much.  But I have learned over the years, with my busy home and low energy level, to plan small.  If I plan too much, I set myself up for failure.

This is also where the 28 days comes in.  If things seem hard, or I don't feel like I am getting anywhere, instead of throwing in the towel, I can say, "It's only a few short weeks, Mary.  You can do it."

I'd like your support, too.  I will need all the help I can get.  I am going to be reporting on my progress periodically.  You may get tired of it, but, well, if you do, stop reading.  It's my blog.  But if you can stand to read about the mundanities (is that a word?  It ought to be) of my struggles and successes, please leave me a comment now and then to cheer me on.

And more fun yet, if any of you is interested, please join me.  Come up with your own 28-day challenge, or whatever length of time works for you.  Feel free to leave a comment so we can cheer each other on.

You will also notice I've posted a couple of new tickers.   One is a 10 lb weight loss ticker.  It will actually be for 11 lbs, since I like the idea of a nice and even final number.  I was 1 lb off an even ten this morning, so I'm going with the strange and seemingly arbitrary goal of 11 lbs.   I think I can do that.  But I'm only weighing in on Mondays.  So don't expect that one to change daily.

My other ticker is for my 28 days.  I decided it would be fun to mark off each day of the challenge and watch how the days are counting down.

Mystery Illness Solved!

This post may only be of interest to others who have as a hobby, the collection of strange medical factoids.   Some might call it hypochondria or Munchhausen syndrome.  But really, it's not either.  I find the human body immensely interesting, wonderfully amazing, and incredibly full of curiosities;  I just can't help myself when once I get started wondering about something. 

The kids have mentioned lately the many kids at school who have a red rash on faces, hands and arms.  Sophie exhibited a little bit of rashiness on her knuckles the other day.  A toddler at church the other day suddenly had a mysterious rash.  I don't know if they were all the same thing, but I figured that at least the ones at school were likely to be fifth disease.

This was not very mysterious, because one of the strange and unusual ailments I've read about is fifth disease, a relatively benign childhood illness caused by Parvovirus B19.  In children it can cause a slight fever or general malaise, but the most common symptom is a red rash, which can give the child a slapped face look, or appear lacy and mottled on the extremities.  When we pulled up some images on a google search, the school kids and Joe (who also had seen some of this rash on the kids at Wednesday school and church) all thought the google images of fifth disease were very similar to those rashes exhibited by the school kids.

I didn't really give it much more thought.  And although I've not yet seen such a paper, the kids said today that the condition is currently so prevalent among the kids in the elementary school, that the teachers have now sent a note of explanation home to the parents.  And that the rash is, in fact, fifth disease.

Score one for theMom.

Joe and I have been suffering from what we presume to be a virus of some sort, with a different set of symptoms.  We've had a few days of general malaise and fever, followed by a week or more of somewhat severe joint pain.  Joe's joint pain lasted a week in its acute stage, but is still with him a little bit, especially if he does not get enough rest.  It was debilitating enough during the first week that he napped at least once a day, and hobbled and groaned around much the rest of the time.  And used a copious amount of analgesic meds.

Let me take a moment to explain here that, probably because his celiac disease inhibits complete and proper absorption of nutrients, Joe tends to come down with more frequent, stranger and longer lasting illnesses than the rest of us.  So when he comes down with yet another mystery illness, I don't take it too seriously.  If I have any extra energy, I might baby him a little bit, but mostly he just waits it out, and tries to work as much as he can while it lasts.

And so all last week as Joe was hobbling around with his sore joints, I mostly ignored him.  Not really in a bad way, but in the sense that I didn't give it much thought, but went on with life and figured it would run its course as most of his strange things do.

Until this one hit me.

On Friday last week, I ran a low grade fever.  Not really anything to speak of.  I didn't even take any acetaminophen or ibuprofen, but chose to ride it out and let my body do what it is supposed to do, namely, fight that germ.  The fever and slight chills lasted only a day; I rested most of the day and considered myself fine.  Saturday, too, I took it easy, as much as I could on a day with all the kids home, and in and out; weekend chores to orchestrate and monitor; and meals and laundry to get done.

But by Sunday night I was quite worn out.  Ill even.  Done in.

Sundays are always a bit wild, getting everyone ready for church.  But we all got there; the Sunday school kids sang; I substitute taught for Louisa; and we had annual dinner in Grygla for St. Petri after Oak Park was done.  We got home in time for me to take Louisa and Elsie into Oklee for their SADDs trip.  Then I came home and crashed.  I attributed it simply to doing too much when coming off a flu bug.

But I was starting to get achy.

And by night, I was itchy.

I felt as though my feet were going to explode.  They were slightly puffy.  My joints, every one of those tarsal, meta-tarsal, and phalanges joints, hurt like the beegeebers.  And they itched intensely.  A deep down itch like one might have in the week or two following a bee sting.

So I asked Joe a little more about his mystery illness from the previous week, and we decided that probably I was experiencing the same set of symptoms.  And let me tell you.  After four days of it, now, I'm feeling a little bit guilty for not giving Joe a little more attention.  Oh, my!  I've never had anything quite like this.  One day it's my feet and elbows, then the next, maybe my knees might kick in.  Later still, it might be my fingers, toes, and hips.  I took Benadryl for the itch that first night and that seemed to help. The itch receded after the first night.

But this joint pain...I compare it to having teeny tiny balloons between each set of bones, which are being inflated, and so push against everything.  Or like my wrist or elbow has felt occasionally when I have slept on it wrong and wake up with it all kinked, and with the nerves all haywire from the strange position.  My wrists and elbows have been the worst, as my grip is weak, and it hurts to lift anything.  But sitting and standing is uncomfortable in my knees and ankles; or the motion of going from sitting standing or vice versa.  I feel like an arthritic elderly person.  I toss and turn on my bed at night trying to get comfortable.

Today I picked up a van load of kids for Wednesday school, and they were all talking about this fifth disease.  The older kids, being in the junior high and highschool campus in Oklee, had not heard of the elementary school epidemic, so were asking many questions about how contagious it was and if older kids could get it, too.

So that got me thinking.  I had read at some point that fifth disease is one of those viruses that can be asymptomatic in many people.  That many adults, when tested, have the antibodies, but have no recollection of ever having had any symptoms of it.

That led then to the further thought, "But what about those adults who do contract the virus as adults?  Is there a separate set of symptoms for such people, since adults do not generally get the rash?  And (drum roll, please) might those symptoms include joint pain and inflammation?"

Well, what do you think?  From the CDC website,

People with fifth disease can also develop pain and swelling in their joints (polyarthropathy syndrome). This is more common in adults, especially women. Some adults with fifth disease may only have painful joints, usually in the hands, feet, or knees, but no other symptoms. The joint pain usually lasts 1 to 3 weeks, but it can last for months or longer. It usually goes away without any long-term problems.

And further, the government medical library site describes a study done on adults suffering from diagnosed Parvovirus B19, describes two phases.  The first phase is a mild fever and general malaise.  The second, with onset a few days later, is a phase of joint pain and swelling.

Score two for theMom.

Call me a hypochondriac.  Say I'm suffering from Munchhausen's.  But, hey, at least I have added another strange medical factoid to my collection.

Vince Flynn

Several years ago, I believe it was in the spring of '09, I discovered Minnesota author, Vince Flynn.  I've been trying to recall how I stumbled upon his books.  I think it was a mention on Kelly the Kitchen Kop's website, about a new book coming out, maybe with a link to her favorite reads page.  I followed Kelly's link to Flynn's first book, Term Limits, and was intrigued.  I quickly requested it through the library.  I liked it well enough to immediately request the next one, Transfer of Power, also.  It was after Transfer of Power, the first of the Mitch Rapp books, that I was really hooked.  I haven't read them all yet, but I look forward to such an indulgence. (As a little aside, if you are interested in learning to cook with more nutritive ingredients and methods, Kelly's website is a great place to start.)

From a fan perspective, Vince Flynn is an all around great author to admire.  He writes excellent political thrillers.  He researches his material well.  He's one of those authors who writes about things that might be, and later we find out they were in fact true all along.  His book, Memorial Day, was so accurate that Flynn fell under the watchful eye of the Department of Energy.

Mr. Flynn is from Minnesota, from the Twin Cities area.  He self-published his first book, which is very cool from a writing standpoint.  It is not easy to gain enough of a following in the self-publishing world to garner the attention of a major publishing house.  Mr. Flynn is a family man with fairly traditional values.

Mr. Flynn has a new book out just recently.  The new book, Kill Shot, is the second prequel in the Mitch Rapp series.  I heard in one interview I've listened to that Flynn has a third prequel in his mind that he hopes to write one day, but that his next book will continue the later Mitch Rapp story. 

Mr. Flynn's new books are usually released in the fall, October, I think.  Kill Shot was released several months late, but it's quite amazing that Mr. Flynn was able to finish the book at all.  He was diagnosed with stage three metastatic prostate cancer in November of 2010, in the middle of the book tour for what was at that time his latest book, American Assassin.  The cancer had moved into his hip bone and he at first thought he might have only months to live.  After consultation with his specialists, however, Mr. Flynn was assured that, although his prognosis was certainly serious, it was not as dire as it would have been even a few years ago.  Treatments for his type of cancer have progressed to the point that they gave him a likelihood of living at least five years, but that depending upon how his system handled the treatments, he could very well live a long and full life.

What great news for him and his family!  But also for us fans.  I've really enjoyed reading about his experience, and listening to some interviews.  It's always heartening to hear of someone joining the ranks of cancer survivors.  He is not out of the woods yet, but his treatments seem to be progressing well, and the cancer is diminishing in a predictable fashion, as they hoped.  But Mr. Flynn's story is very inspirational.  He talks openly in interviews about his Catholic faith, his writing career, the importance of his family.  Mr. Flynn has a 16 year old step-son, and two daughters, ages 11 and 9.   He projects such an over-all great attitude that it has reminded me to make better use of my own time here on earth.

Minnesota blogger, Caryn Sullivan, wrote a nice piece on Mr. Flynn and his struggle to produce this recent book while undergoing his cancer treatments.

The most extensive interview that I came across is this one from the Dan Barreiro Show out of the Twin Cities, on KFAN, 100.3. The interview is an hour long, so I wasn't able to listen very carefully to the whole thing, but it was really fun to listen to as much as I did.  Mr. Flynn talks about writing during this cancer battle, about his fear of prescription pain medications, and the frustration of undergoing hormone treatments.  Mr. Barreiro asks about Mr. Flynn's writing career and where he plans to go from here.  And they talk about national security and the very real threats to such security.

I can't wait to read Kill Shot.  If you've never read any of Mr. Flynn's Mitch Rapp books, you'll have to give one a try.  They are a pretty fast read, with excellent characters, and lots of suspense.  I do suggest reading them in order, starting with Transfer of Power.  The characters really develop as the stories unfold.  And although someone could make the argument that one could start with the prequels, I think the mystery about Rapp's background might be less interesting when read in that order.  It's like getting to know a friend.  One doesn't generally gush everything out at the first meeting, right?

Happy reading!